AHA: Ikea fans

She's back with a bang - second post back and I'm already throwing an AssHat Award at someone. In fact, I'm giving out a bunch of 'em to a bunch of people!

This apparently is the MOST IMPORTANT news of the day in Cincinnati, because it was the main headline on Cincinnati.com this afternoon: "Line forms early for Ikea." You've got to f**king kidding me...

(Details and pic after the jump.)

To quote Cincinnati.com's caption for this photo:

Some very eager (and tired) shoppers are camping out today to be among the first inside Ikea's new West Chester Township store, which opens at 9 a.m. Wednesday. Here's everything you'll need to know about the grand opening.

* Video: Putting your purchase together
* A shopping primer | Store map
* How to shop at Ikea | Photos

Apparently the economy's not in the sh*tter enough if people still have the time and disposable income to take two days and nights out of productive society to spend it sitting on their asses in front of a place where they're planning on spending lots of money on crappy particle-board furniture.

Now, I'm not advocating that anyone should do a drive-by on these wastes-of-flesh or anything, but I'm sure few would miss them in the gene pool.

So AssHat Awards all around!
- To Cincinnati.com and whatever associated media that thought this was actually news - you should be ashamed.
- To everyone who's gonna cram their fat asses through the sliding doors on opening day looking like a rabid trailer-trash grandma looking for the last Cabbage Patch Kid - you're probably the same jackasses that line-up for an opening of the local chapter of the Golden Corral (or Golden Trough, as I like to call it).
- To everyone sitting there in line two days before the opening - I hope your flat-pack Crappka or Hurll chair breaks under the wait of your fat ass.

BONUS ROUND: Anyone know the reference in the last picture of the post?
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AHA: Thank You Ann Coulter!

No, Ann Coulter is not the latest AssHatAward winner (her head's so far up her ass she can't even smell her own bullsh*t anymore) - but it's because of her that the recipients got noticed: the Xavier University College Republicans.

And thanks to the Xavier University College Republicans and Young America’s Foundation bringing Ass Coulter to speak at Xavier University on September 6th, the GLBT rights group Equality Ohio was able to raise over $25,000 so far to help support students at XU working for justice, diversity, fairness and compassion. I love it. Her ignorant, racist, fascist, conservative rhetoric is actually doing some good - it's mobilizing people against her movement, and inadvertently helping to support organizations she rails against in her speeches. Nice job!

Coulter's speaking fee is over $20,000 - that's about $5 per XU student. I can't believe any organization would give a nickel to that intentionally bulimic c*nt - even the XUCR. Many conservatives don't want anything to do with her because of her continuously vile hate speech. So if you're wondering what kind of AssHat would pay that slut to come to Cincinnati, well look no further than your local Nazi party members. Hey XU kids, if you see these wankers walking around XU, give 'em a punch in the balls from me.

If you'd like to give to Equality Ohio and have them send a thank you note to Ann on your behalf, you can do so for as little as $5! They've exceeded every goal they set yet, and they're working toward $30,000 now.

Fun side note: there are 31 entries in the Urban Dictionary for Ann Coulter. Boy, she really has a lot of fans! One of my favorites includes this entry:

"Ann Coulter is actually a former drag queen from Key West named Pudenda Shenanigans. Ms. Shenanigans was famous for her renditions of 'Dude Looks Like a Lady' 'I will Survive' and 'You Shook Me All Night Long' as well as an extensive Barbra Streisand repertoire. We who used to work with her are concerned for her as well as upset by the vile hatred she has spewed towards her former friends in the gay community. We feel that by bringing the truth to light perhaps Ann will come to grips with her past and change her wicked ways.

As Pudenda Shenanigans, she was well known on the drag circuit in Key West. Whether she actually had a full sex change or not is a matter of debate, although her adam’s apple is still visible in photos, under the appropriate light."

She does look like a post-op tranny, doesn't she? Not that that's a bad thing - unless afterwards you become a huge anti-GLBT pundit like she has. If only she really was post-op - then at least she can't breed and that'd keep her f**ked up DNA out of the gene pool.
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AHA: Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!

Been a busy week and I meant to blog this earlier. This week's AssHat is a real winner, and now that the week is over officially, I can definitely say that no one was able to top his AssHattery. Not only is he a child predator, but he's about the stupidest one I've ever heard of.

(Details and pic after the jump.)

So this genius decided to stalk someone he didn't know and supposedly met accidentally via a wrong number - even after she said she was an underage girl. I don't want to give any more away - read the article. But I can to tell you, jailarity ensues.

Definitely proof that the gene pool is mighty polluted.

BONUS ROUND: Anyone know the reference in the title of my post?
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AHA: Bob Buford

So, good ol' Bobby B, the Chicagoland troll that lurks around Cincinnati Blog's comments decided to chime in about my humble site, my lack of substance, and my fast-approaching demise. Well, I won't get into my response here in detail, as you can read it yourself, but I told him to go outside and play, "Hide and Go F**k Yourself!"

More importantly, let's look at Bob himself. I could sit here and call him a conservative idiot, a racist, a complete moron - oh, wait, I just did. But why take my word for it. Just look at his own words. They paint the picture far more eloquently than I could.

He's been lurking in the shadows of Brian's blog for a while now, even after he moved out of the city. He continues to comment on the state and affairs of Cincinnati, as if he has any idea what's going on here, or ever did. In one of his posts last year he mentions that he used to live right near the Oldenburg brewery before he was old enough to drink. So he's an uppity white kid who grew up in the suburbs of Northern Kentucky and thinks he has all the answers to the worlds problems - and they tend to sound like he's copying them from his KKK Youth Manual.

Well, Bob, I really don't need to say much more about you, as anyone willing to read through your own writing will find out everything they need to know. I'll leave you, my dear readers, with this little tidbit that I unfortunately can't take credit for myself, but I think will bring to you as much of a guffaw as it did me:
J.N. Atailya's May 11th response to Bob's comments...

Bob,

It's time you had the surgery to remove the pieces of spine that are hindering you from keeping your c**k in your mouth, where it belongs. I know you spent a good deal of your youth fighting to stay limber enough to self-fellate. But now, thanks to the wonders of modern surgery, you can once again fill your c**k holster with your very own pants meat -- meager as it is.

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BSM & AHA: The Cincinati Beacon

Double the pleasure, double the fun... This week we have two awards going to the same person!

Oh, WAAH!! The Beacon didn't get considered for the best blog in Cincinnati on CincyTechUSA's list. It MUST be a conspiracy designed to "stop the real contenders from getting additional publicity," according to The Dean.

You've GOT to be kidding me. The Chamber made up rules to keep your blog out of the contest?! They're hiding Cincinnati's great social unrest and political dissent by keeping multi-author blogs out of the contest! It's a conspiracy. No where does he mention that many of the individual blogs listed all link to many of the local multi-author blogs in their blogrolls.

(More of Haap's BS and his AHA after the jump.)

I'm no big fan of the Chamber, but maybe the rules are just what they say they are: a way to recognize the hard work of individual bloggers? Is that so hard to believe?

Jason Haap, A.K.A., the DEAN of Cincinnati, actually posited that "the REAL top blogs in Cincinnati" were:

1. The Cincinnati Beacon
2. CityBeat’s Porkopolis
3. The Cincinnati Black Blog
4. CincyNewsAche

How about the big brass ones on this guy? The Beacon is one of the top blogs in Cincy? Of course you see the usual conspiracy theory that Jason's manufacturing: The Beacon, Cinti Black Blog, Porkopolis, they're all gonna be excluded because they're vocal critics of the Chamber. Of course he didn't stop consider that maybe it's because those blogs suck.

Porkopolis? Flannery's excuse to expose the public to more of his wacko commie pinko leftist claptrap that wouldn't fit in his column. Actually I kiid, I kiid. Usually Greg is just editing the column and the blog, but stand back when he actually does put two words together. They're sure to be memorable. The Cinti Black Blog? Don't get me started on Nate, I'll save that for another time. NewsAche is a well written blog but really, it's a one trick pony: bitch about the Enquirer. It's nice for an occasional read, but gets old real quick. Yeah we all know the Enquirer/Gannett sucks, I don't need to analyze it over and over. This guys got quite the obsession. And then there's The Beacon? One of the best?! Get real. But more on that in a bit.

Or maybe Haap's head is so far up his own ass he doesn't smell the sh*t any more... which brings me to our other dishonorable mention for this week: The Dean, AssHat Extraordinaire.

I've been reading the Beacon since it emerged and The Dean's old blog before that. At first I really thought he had some promise: he pledged to foster intellectual discourse on his site's forums. But in a short time (long before the Beacon) it became apparent that the only opinion he was really interested in, was his own.

I know, I know what you're thinking: doesn't that exactly describe CincyBlurg? Well, yes and no. In general, I do like the hear myself talk, otherwise I wouldn't bother with a blurg. I also have no illusions about that fact, nor do I describe this site to the contrary.

The problem with the Beacon is that they're a bunch of wanna-be journalists who don't treat anyone with respect and bash people if they're not willing to get sucked down into their mud-slinging. We've seen this several times, all the way back to the Dean days, but most recently with Jason's article on Joan Kaup. I'm mean, dude, get over it. She wanted to meet face to face - I applaud her for that. And making a big deal out of the missed appointment? Well he apparently dosen't spend much time conducting real business or you'd know that busy schedules can become difficult. This is yet another example of someone bumping into his fragile little ego and in retaliation Haap manufacturing a story where there is none.

Justin Jeffre and a few of the others in the Beacon crew seem like nice enough people, but when you run with a guy like Haap, you lose your credibility. Funny thing, I've seen/heard Jeffre referred to as a "Haap follower" and the Jason's "boy." For the most part anything he had done previously to his involvement with the Beacon is become a distant memory.

So this week's BullSh*tMeter reading goes to The Dean and the Beacon, who buried the needle once again. Surf's up! And he topped it off with an AssHat Award. Nice. I need to think up another award as I'm sure he'll be able to nail the trifecta in the future, again and again.
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AHA: Restaurant Patrons

I was at Javier's the other day, a great little downtown eatery, and what should have been a simple process to get my food, was hindered by a bunch of AssHats. If you've never been to Javier's, it works much like most other burrito shops (Chipotle and the like) or a Subway: your order is taken and paid for, then the line takes you past the staff as they put the finishing touches on your meal and they ask you about your choice of salsa, cheese, veggies, etc.

Well, no less than seven people ahead of me in line decided that they were special and left the line to sit down at a table while their meal was being prepared. Honestly, the average wait during busy times is usually no more than two minutes. But since they walked away, the staff had to call out their numbers when their orders were up before they could finish customizing them. Of course these morons didn't pay attention at all, so they had to call out the order numbers again and again before they responded.

Some of them were so oblivious, the employee behind the counter actually had to go out to get a few of them at their tables. But the best part was the table of five that repeated this process over and over: even after the first idiot had to be yelled at across the dining room before responding, the rest of the table still didn't pay attention. In all it probably added an extra ten minutes to everyone standing behind them in line. Oh, yeah, and they were rude about it too.

This falls in line with a trend I've noticed recently of people acting very self-centered in public spaces, especially noticeable in restaurants. More and more I'm seeing signs at order counters (like the one at Habanero's in Clifton) that insist that patrons cease to use their cellphone while ordering. Have you ever been stuck behind this bitch in line?

"I can't believe that bitch said that sh*t about me. I'm gonna... oh, hang on - Yeah, I want two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers - Naw Chantele, I'm not talking to you - an' a small fry an' a small Frosty an' - Bitch shut up, I'm tryin' to order myself somefin' to eat - an' a 99 cent fruit punch - I said shut the hell up. Can't you tell I'm gettin' food?! What? How much? Hang on, I only got five... then don't gimme the fry. How much would that be then? - I can't BELIEVE he said that! Giiirl, you gotta get rid of - Yeah, I want lotsa ketchup an' salt - (screams/laughs into phone) NO HE DI-IN'T! You tell that..." (and it goes on)

Every now and then you get some ballsy chick behind the counter who won't put up with that sh*t and either refuses to take their order until they get off the phone or just moves on to the next person in line until the cellphone princess gets off. I love it when that happens.

So this week's AssHatAward goes to the seven self-centered f**ks that screwed up everyone's lunch hour at Javier's and to all the rude bastards that don't think of anyone but themselves in public environments like restaurants. Don't forget to shove your cellphones up your asses, so you can take calls easily.
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AHA: AssHatAward

So, I thought of another motivating item/task to help me keep the blurg regular: another award to give. Like the BullSh*tMeter, the AssHatAward will be given out every few weeks to a deserving local guy or lady. For the slower gazelles in the group, allow me to explain...

The Urban Dictionary defines asshat as:

"One who has their head up their ass. Thus wearing their ass as a hat."

That, I assure you, is the most simple and concise definition UD has to offer. For a great laugh, read the other 22 definitions.

So, on some sort of regular basis (hopefully) I will be awarding some "winner" with great honor. Stay tuned!
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