AHA: Ikea fans

She's back with a bang - second post back and I'm already throwing an AssHat Award at someone. In fact, I'm giving out a bunch of 'em to a bunch of people!

This apparently is the MOST IMPORTANT news of the day in Cincinnati, because it was the main headline on Cincinnati.com this afternoon: "Line forms early for Ikea." You've got to f**king kidding me...

(Details and pic after the jump.)

To quote Cincinnati.com's caption for this photo:

Some very eager (and tired) shoppers are camping out today to be among the first inside Ikea's new West Chester Township store, which opens at 9 a.m. Wednesday. Here's everything you'll need to know about the grand opening.

* Video: Putting your purchase together
* A shopping primer | Store map
* How to shop at Ikea | Photos

Apparently the economy's not in the sh*tter enough if people still have the time and disposable income to take two days and nights out of productive society to spend it sitting on their asses in front of a place where they're planning on spending lots of money on crappy particle-board furniture.

Now, I'm not advocating that anyone should do a drive-by on these wastes-of-flesh or anything, but I'm sure few would miss them in the gene pool.

So AssHat Awards all around!
- To Cincinnati.com and whatever associated media that thought this was actually news - you should be ashamed.
- To everyone who's gonna cram their fat asses through the sliding doors on opening day looking like a rabid trailer-trash grandma looking for the last Cabbage Patch Kid - you're probably the same jackasses that line-up for an opening of the local chapter of the Golden Corral (or Golden Trough, as I like to call it).
- To everyone sitting there in line two days before the opening - I hope your flat-pack Crappka or Hurll chair breaks under the wait of your fat ass.

BONUS ROUND: Anyone know the reference in the last picture of the post?
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West Chester is unsafe!

OMG! Run for your lives suburbanites! The Northern Suburbs are unsafe!

It's a sad state of affairs that I actually laugh when I hear about crime in northern Hamilton County, or southern Butler/Warren County. But after hearing so many people put the city down as an unsafe war zone, it brings a smile to my face to see reports of crime in the burbs.

And when I see bank heists and shootouts in West Chester, I love to generalize that all the northern suburbs are dangerous, because, well, aren't they? I mean if the Whitey McWhitersons of Lebanon and Fairfield can say the city is unsafe when they hear about a shooting in Bond Hill, or that downtown is unsafe when they hear about a murder in Over the Rhine, can't I generalize about the Wild West atmosphere of the great northern plains where Loveland gangsters and the Masonite Mafia terrorize the fragile citizenry?!

In this post I'm using the names of the burbs interchangeably and city neighborhoods interchangeably because I've heard this story told with every possible combination. No matter which burb they're from the burbians usually think that all parts of the city are the same, in terms of crime/demographics. Half the time they don't even know their way around the city enough to know the geographical difference between neighborhoods. I've actually had people who were coming to visit me in Northside say, "Now you live downtown, is it safe for me to park there?" When I explain that I'm nowhere near downtown, they say, "Well, same thing."

I'm so sick of the people in Milford and Montgomery whining about the scary Canadians they see when they visit downtown for a ball game. And I'm not talking about panhandlers - I've heard them complain when they just SEE Canucks walking our streets. They run right back to their McMansion sanctuaries as soon as they can after the game any way, but they continue to perpetuate the unsafe city image just because they're racist sh*theads.

Never mind the bandits with knives shaking down the local general store in Lily White Land. When it happens there it's an anomaly, but when it happens here it's further evidence of the city's decline. I'm sorry, but suburban crime makes me smile.
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Uniform Makes the Man

Saw some cops today. They looked really friendly in their summer uniforms. They should be able to wear them (or at least a variation of them) all year round.

Compared to the white 'dress' uniform they normally wear, the shorts and polo shirt really made them less intimidating. And the guys wearing it weren't bike cops, they were regular patrol officers in squad cars. I've seen this in other municipalities and I think it has a positive effect.

Plus they look kinda cute in their summer gear. I definitely like the bike cops in their shorts - when you ride around all day, especially with so much gear, you're gonna have great legs.

Anyone got any pictures of the Cinti cops in their summer uniforms? I couldn't find any on the web.
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AHA: Smokers

So, I was at UDF the other day finishing a cellphone call outside before going in - I find it rude to be on the phone while someone is trying to help me behind the counter/ring me up - and I noticed all these little burn marks on the top of the garbage can out front where people had put down their cigarettes before they went in. Either they took too long or forgot them, and the cigs melted fat little lines in the top of the plastic can. I knew what they were because there were a few that still had the filters lying at the end of the melted rut.

So, I hate smoking. I can't remember if I mentioned that before. But I do. And most smokers are rude and self-centered when it comes to their habit. They actually think the have a RIGHT to pollute the air within my vicinity.

And they usually don't care about littering the landscape with their smoldering butts - it amazes me how many smokers litter ALL THE TIME without a second thought. A few years ago I actually had someone at a party at my apartment throw his butt off my balcony and into the yard of my building. I confronted him about it, and he said I was one of those uptight non-smokers, so I threw him out and told my friend who brought him never to bring him around again. Where do these AssHats get off?

Now that smoking has been banned in businesses and indoor public places there are even more butts lining the gutter outside of bars and buildings. I'd love to see littering enforced more, with high fines and stiff penalties, especially on the butt-throwers.
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AHA: Restaurant Patrons

I was at Javier's the other day, a great little downtown eatery, and what should have been a simple process to get my food, was hindered by a bunch of AssHats. If you've never been to Javier's, it works much like most other burrito shops (Chipotle and the like) or a Subway: your order is taken and paid for, then the line takes you past the staff as they put the finishing touches on your meal and they ask you about your choice of salsa, cheese, veggies, etc.

Well, no less than seven people ahead of me in line decided that they were special and left the line to sit down at a table while their meal was being prepared. Honestly, the average wait during busy times is usually no more than two minutes. But since they walked away, the staff had to call out their numbers when their orders were up before they could finish customizing them. Of course these morons didn't pay attention at all, so they had to call out the order numbers again and again before they responded.

Some of them were so oblivious, the employee behind the counter actually had to go out to get a few of them at their tables. But the best part was the table of five that repeated this process over and over: even after the first idiot had to be yelled at across the dining room before responding, the rest of the table still didn't pay attention. In all it probably added an extra ten minutes to everyone standing behind them in line. Oh, yeah, and they were rude about it too.

This falls in line with a trend I've noticed recently of people acting very self-centered in public spaces, especially noticeable in restaurants. More and more I'm seeing signs at order counters (like the one at Habanero's in Clifton) that insist that patrons cease to use their cellphone while ordering. Have you ever been stuck behind this bitch in line?

"I can't believe that bitch said that sh*t about me. I'm gonna... oh, hang on - Yeah, I want two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers - Naw Chantele, I'm not talking to you - an' a small fry an' a small Frosty an' - Bitch shut up, I'm tryin' to order myself somefin' to eat - an' a 99 cent fruit punch - I said shut the hell up. Can't you tell I'm gettin' food?! What? How much? Hang on, I only got five... then don't gimme the fry. How much would that be then? - I can't BELIEVE he said that! Giiirl, you gotta get rid of - Yeah, I want lotsa ketchup an' salt - (screams/laughs into phone) NO HE DI-IN'T! You tell that..." (and it goes on)

Every now and then you get some ballsy chick behind the counter who won't put up with that sh*t and either refuses to take their order until they get off the phone or just moves on to the next person in line until the cellphone princess gets off. I love it when that happens.

So this week's AssHatAward goes to the seven self-centered f**ks that screwed up everyone's lunch hour at Javier's and to all the rude bastards that don't think of anyone but themselves in public environments like restaurants. Don't forget to shove your cellphones up your asses, so you can take calls easily.
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