AHA: Ikea fans

She's back with a bang - second post back and I'm already throwing an AssHat Award at someone. In fact, I'm giving out a bunch of 'em to a bunch of people!

This apparently is the MOST IMPORTANT news of the day in Cincinnati, because it was the main headline on Cincinnati.com this afternoon: "Line forms early for Ikea." You've got to f**king kidding me...

(Details and pic after the jump.)

To quote Cincinnati.com's caption for this photo:

Some very eager (and tired) shoppers are camping out today to be among the first inside Ikea's new West Chester Township store, which opens at 9 a.m. Wednesday. Here's everything you'll need to know about the grand opening.

* Video: Putting your purchase together
* A shopping primer | Store map
* How to shop at Ikea | Photos

Apparently the economy's not in the sh*tter enough if people still have the time and disposable income to take two days and nights out of productive society to spend it sitting on their asses in front of a place where they're planning on spending lots of money on crappy particle-board furniture.

Now, I'm not advocating that anyone should do a drive-by on these wastes-of-flesh or anything, but I'm sure few would miss them in the gene pool.

So AssHat Awards all around!
- To Cincinnati.com and whatever associated media that thought this was actually news - you should be ashamed.
- To everyone who's gonna cram their fat asses through the sliding doors on opening day looking like a rabid trailer-trash grandma looking for the last Cabbage Patch Kid - you're probably the same jackasses that line-up for an opening of the local chapter of the Golden Corral (or Golden Trough, as I like to call it).
- To everyone sitting there in line two days before the opening - I hope your flat-pack Crappka or Hurll chair breaks under the wait of your fat ass.

BONUS ROUND: Anyone know the reference in the last picture of the post?
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West Chester is unsafe!

OMG! Run for your lives suburbanites! The Northern Suburbs are unsafe!

It's a sad state of affairs that I actually laugh when I hear about crime in northern Hamilton County, or southern Butler/Warren County. But after hearing so many people put the city down as an unsafe war zone, it brings a smile to my face to see reports of crime in the burbs.

And when I see bank heists and shootouts in West Chester, I love to generalize that all the northern suburbs are dangerous, because, well, aren't they? I mean if the Whitey McWhitersons of Lebanon and Fairfield can say the city is unsafe when they hear about a shooting in Bond Hill, or that downtown is unsafe when they hear about a murder in Over the Rhine, can't I generalize about the Wild West atmosphere of the great northern plains where Loveland gangsters and the Masonite Mafia terrorize the fragile citizenry?!

In this post I'm using the names of the burbs interchangeably and city neighborhoods interchangeably because I've heard this story told with every possible combination. No matter which burb they're from the burbians usually think that all parts of the city are the same, in terms of crime/demographics. Half the time they don't even know their way around the city enough to know the geographical difference between neighborhoods. I've actually had people who were coming to visit me in Northside say, "Now you live downtown, is it safe for me to park there?" When I explain that I'm nowhere near downtown, they say, "Well, same thing."

I'm so sick of the people in Milford and Montgomery whining about the scary Canadians they see when they visit downtown for a ball game. And I'm not talking about panhandlers - I've heard them complain when they just SEE Canucks walking our streets. They run right back to their McMansion sanctuaries as soon as they can after the game any way, but they continue to perpetuate the unsafe city image just because they're racist sh*theads.

Never mind the bandits with knives shaking down the local general store in Lily White Land. When it happens there it's an anomaly, but when it happens here it's further evidence of the city's decline. I'm sorry, but suburban crime makes me smile.
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