Review suggestions?

I'm interested in doing more reviews of local restaurants/bars, perhaps even starting a whole section of the site devoted to them. Do any of you have any suggestions on which places you'd like to see me review?

Any place that you haven't been yet that you're too timid to try yourself? Send me! I'm always up for an adventure! An establishment that you would really like to hear my take on? Wind me up and let me go!
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Hot eats late after a cool performance

So my new buddy Shawn over at Cincinnati Arts blog just updated (he gives credit to his intern for the html legwork) his Eating After the Show page. I have to tell you, I've been using this resource for a while now, ever since I found it about six months back.

It's got detailed listings of the hours of operation of the kitchens of various food-serving establishments in and around downtown. He even just added a new section for Clifton/University Heights.

The page is part of a number of pages on CincinnatiArts.com that are designed to help break the ice for the arts-uninitiated, including info on convenient eating after an evening performance, what to wear to certain types of arts events, etc.

They could probably go a step farther and add a page on parking, but that's a bitch to maintain so I understand if they don't - I'm sure it's hard enough keeping the restaurant list up-to-date. I bring up the parking only because I hear people bitch about parking downtown more than any other complaint - and honestly, parking downtown is a breeze, most people are just STUPID and don't pay attention (I'll save this for another rant another time).

Cincinnati Arts is part of a group of websites by Enjoy the Arts, a great organization that helps get people into the arts by providing various memberships that get you free and discount tickets to tons of cool stuff all over the area. It used to be just for students, but these days there's a membership level for every age group. I highly recommend getting one - you save a ton of money and find out about lots of cool sh*t you wouldn't normally hear about!
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Mejana Moving to Tri-County

Sad. Does anyone know what exactly caused this great Mediterranean restaurant to leave downtown? I just can't see such eclectic cuisine working inside a mall that boasts a food court and a Ruby Tuesdays. Or really any mall.

At least we still have Andy's!

Sorry, nothing else to say.
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GIMME A BUD BITCH!

I know I bitched about the Cadillac Ranch before, but I honestly had never been there (every thing I knew about it was secondhand. Well, a colleague insisted we meet for drinks there after work. After unsuccessfully trying to persuade her to go to Arnold's, she dragged me to this hellhole.

First of all, the decor is exactly like I had said before, redneck chic - they even have a mechanical bull. But it's basically a fake roadhouse-looking sports bar with the same old meat and potatoes unimaginative 'American' cuisine. It was packed and we were forced to stand - I can't believe how many morons, er, patrons were there on an average weekday at happy hour.

It was a really hot day and I thought a nice cool beer would help change my increasingly sour mood. Of course they ONLY have Bud Light on tap. Their selection of good bottled beer was incredibly scarce, but I managed to find one that was acceptable. After being bumped into more times than I can count, I could see my friend was annoyed with the Ranch and needed a change of scenery.

I downed my swill and forced my companion to chug hers, then we exited and after a short walk in the blazing heat I introduced her to the calm, friendly atmosphere of Arnold's bar. She had never been, but ended up checking out the menu and insisted we stay for dinner. So I blew off my prior plans and stayed to enjoy a wonderful dinner with my new Arnold's fan.

Friends don't let friends drink Bud Light.
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New Tenant for Simone's Space

Apparently a new tenant is going in to the spot where Simone's was. Great. Another f**king tapas bar.
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AHA: Restaurant Patrons

I was at Javier's the other day, a great little downtown eatery, and what should have been a simple process to get my food, was hindered by a bunch of AssHats. If you've never been to Javier's, it works much like most other burrito shops (Chipotle and the like) or a Subway: your order is taken and paid for, then the line takes you past the staff as they put the finishing touches on your meal and they ask you about your choice of salsa, cheese, veggies, etc.

Well, no less than seven people ahead of me in line decided that they were special and left the line to sit down at a table while their meal was being prepared. Honestly, the average wait during busy times is usually no more than two minutes. But since they walked away, the staff had to call out their numbers when their orders were up before they could finish customizing them. Of course these morons didn't pay attention at all, so they had to call out the order numbers again and again before they responded.

Some of them were so oblivious, the employee behind the counter actually had to go out to get a few of them at their tables. But the best part was the table of five that repeated this process over and over: even after the first idiot had to be yelled at across the dining room before responding, the rest of the table still didn't pay attention. In all it probably added an extra ten minutes to everyone standing behind them in line. Oh, yeah, and they were rude about it too.

This falls in line with a trend I've noticed recently of people acting very self-centered in public spaces, especially noticeable in restaurants. More and more I'm seeing signs at order counters (like the one at Habanero's in Clifton) that insist that patrons cease to use their cellphone while ordering. Have you ever been stuck behind this bitch in line?

"I can't believe that bitch said that sh*t about me. I'm gonna... oh, hang on - Yeah, I want two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers - Naw Chantele, I'm not talking to you - an' a small fry an' a small Frosty an' - Bitch shut up, I'm tryin' to order myself somefin' to eat - an' a 99 cent fruit punch - I said shut the hell up. Can't you tell I'm gettin' food?! What? How much? Hang on, I only got five... then don't gimme the fry. How much would that be then? - I can't BELIEVE he said that! Giiirl, you gotta get rid of - Yeah, I want lotsa ketchup an' salt - (screams/laughs into phone) NO HE DI-IN'T! You tell that..." (and it goes on)

Every now and then you get some ballsy chick behind the counter who won't put up with that sh*t and either refuses to take their order until they get off the phone or just moves on to the next person in line until the cellphone princess gets off. I love it when that happens.

So this week's AssHatAward goes to the seven self-centered f**ks that screwed up everyone's lunch hour at Javier's and to all the rude bastards that don't think of anyone but themselves in public environments like restaurants. Don't forget to shove your cellphones up your asses, so you can take calls easily.
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Washington Platform Reopens

On Friday the 13th. After having two cars crash into them on separate occassions, these guys really know how to tempt fate. Good luck! (I'll be waiting a bit before I dine there again, and won't be sitting in a window seat when I do.)
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Coffee Emporium needs to stay open longer

So Coffee Emporium (OTR) extended their hours until 6pm on weekdays, but are still at 4pm on Saturdays, and not open Sundays at all. I wish they were open later, as I hate to have pack up my sh*t and find another place to use wifi or go home. And their Hyde Park location doesn't have any better hours.

At least I can kinda get wifi at Kaldi's via Main Street's Lily Pad cloud - if I make an extra antenna out of my silverware, and sit in the front window. Shame I can't get food there in the evenings any more.

And people wonder why locally-owned downtown businesses struggle, yet chain restaurants in the suburbs flourish. Well take Starbucks/Panera for example: at all available hours you see people there using their laptops. Well, their hours are consistent, and they have solid wifi connections.
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BSM: New Downtown Hotspots

A few in particular come to mind, but I'm sure there's others that I'm not thinking of and more to come. Let's just talk about Bang Nightclub, Cadillac Ranch, Lodge Bar, Sully's and McFadden's. One might see all these bars as a positive step in the continued development of downtown. These are the new "hotspots." But what do they really bring to the city?

Well, they're pretty generic in their personality. Sully's and McFaddens are basically sports bars with lots of dark wood and brass. Whoopty sh*t. Their appearance may be an attempt at upscale, but a constant barrage of TVs (tuned to sports, mostly) really kills that "refined" atmosphere.

Then there's the Lodge Bar and the Cadillac Ranch which I can only describe as "redneck chic," - I blame NASCAR for this sh*t. If you want a real country bar then grow a pair and go to Bobby Mackey's. But DJs and live music with no country bands don't a country bar make, just cuz you got tacky hick sh*t on the walls. Does this LOOK like a country crowd?

Bang - which is basically the same sh*t as Club Klau and whatever the hell it was after that - and other clubs like it remind me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies, The Fisher King:

"I told you about these people. They only mate with their own kind. It's yuppie inbreeding. That's why they're retarded and wear the same clothes. They don't feel love. They only negotiate love moments. They're evil, Edwin. They're repulsed by imperfection, horrified by the banal... everything that America stands for! They must be stopped before it's too late. It's us or them."

Funny thing is, after re-reading that bit from the script, I'm thinking it applies all of these bars. You've got five bars that are so pathetic in their concept that they're excellent at attracting a pathetic crowd. Great, that's just what we need more of downtown (or in any neighborhood): pretty sheep.

The only hope we have is all that all these places can help bring critical mass downtown so that a wider audience is willing to come down and see all the other great places and things to do that downtown has to offer.

So this week's BullSh*tMeter goes to the "yuppie watering holes" (also another quote from Fisher King) that are pockmarking our urban landscape. I wish you luck and success, as I wish any business downtown prosperity - but I'll be avoiding your bullsh*t like the plague. My boots are only thigh-highs.
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Kaldi's Finicky Hours

Again with the changing of the hours, and weird ones at that! I finally thought Kaldis was doing well and had ironed out all the kinks of new ownership when I found out the hard way that they're not serving food at night anymore on the weekdays, and only a limited menu at night on the weekends. Because I didn't have much time, I had to eat at the Courtyard Cafe, which no one really wants to do.
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Tapas = Ripoff

So I was dragged to yet another Tapas bar, this time Latitudes Cafe in Anderson Towne Center. Like the word Bistro, I have come to know that the real meaning of the word Tapas is "very little food for lotsa money."

The decor was, well, midscale modern, but they didn't do much to hide the fact that they're in a plaza. Take out the bar and the booths and the room could have just as easily been a chic shoe boutique.

The food looked appealing on the menu - even though it seemed to be priced high, I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt - with what sounded like some really unique selections.

The $4 salad was so small it looked like it was the uneaten leftovers from someone else's plate, with barely enough greenery to cover the five-inch dish.

I thought I'd try the crabcakes, but they were pitifully small, dry and tasteless. I didn't even finish them, my friend did - but he covered them in some dipping sh*t that he had with one of his dishes. Did I mention the service was pitiful as well?

I also had the Lebanese chicken kabobs. When they arrived the "kabobs" were two dried up, shriveled pieces of chicken approximately a quarter inch in diameter and about four inches long. The sauce was a scarce puddle in the corner of the plate and the "chutney" what was supposed to come with it apparently consisted of a few sprinkles of diced cilantro under the pathetic chicken straws.

I shared a few other dishes with my friends, but nothing was filing or particularly tasty. My portion of the bill (with no alcoholic beverages) came to about $25 before tip and after pitching in on the other dishes I shared. I left feeling so hungry that I almost stopped at the chinese take out next door.

Never again. I try to avoid Anderson any way, as there's nary a locally-owned restaurant on that side of the Little Miami, so I figure by the time I get out that way again it'll be replaced with some national chain anyway, and for once (the gods forgive me) it may be a step up.
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